I tell ya I just dont know.
Who died and made me the "Love Doctor"?
I dont know the answers to peoples problems. I dont know how to fix romances. Heck I cant even get one of my own started. Why in th heck would you want to ask me?
But people do. They do.
I went to karaoke, last night. Just to hang out, sing a bit and have a little fun.
I met some nice people and had a few laughs with them.
At the end of the night, some how... Inexplicably it happened again.
A young lady started confiding in me that her love life was terrible.
She's 24, her boyfriend would rather sleep than touch her.
Yes, I know. And I offered. "Sweety you want to be touched, come with me. I'll touch ya. giggity, giggity, giggity." I knew the answer already.
She wanted to talk. To get it out. To know why did he hit her? Why wouldnt he touch her? Was she ugly?

I dont know the answers to these things. I know what I think.
1. "He's an idiot. He doesnt have any right to hit you. EVER."
2. "He's an idiot. Its damn hard to find someone that doesnt want to yell at you. Someone that wants you to touch them is rare. He should appreciate it."
3. No. "You are ugly. I know cause Mr Happy, asked me who you were.
When you said you were married, he said, 'Well hell. Im going back to sleep then'."

She wont leave him. Not until she gets some personal things resolved.
She told me thank you and I was sweet, and headed home to him.

All I can do is shake my head.
Its enough to make a man drink.

OH..BTW..
I saw Elvis last night.
He lives in Sugarland Tx.

Well, I knew it was just a matter of time.
Shes back again. At least this time she was sober.
Seems she's in a bit of trouble. yeah I know. big surprise there.
She had been staying at someone else's house Saturday.
Apparently, (and yeah. they are all stupid)
The friend gave her a key. (dumb ass) Now supposedly dumbass gave LBT a key also. Several people came over that night. DR-L let them in.
Everyone hung out and joked while dumb ass was not home.
Low and behold, something came up missing. (well duhhh)

So dumb ass calls the cops. The cops call DQ-L and question her. She is an official suspect. So now she MAY go to jail for burglary.

Fortunately, it seems may that my little talk helped a bit. LBT says she can stay there till next weekend. So she wont be at my door.
YAY for that.

BUT.... she is calling me to talk to me, because no one else listens.
Geee, I wonder why?

So, I got another one of those calls. muted, incoherent blubbering at the other end.
I thought about it for a second or two and realized who it had to be. Couldn't be anyone else. Only DramaQueen-L would call me on a Sunday evening crying. So after she blubbers a bit she asks "The question".
'can I sleep on your couch?'. Now a sane reasonable person would say "hell no." But I'm out of meds so I said sure. "Can...".
"No. Your boyfriend cannot come over. He cant stay, visit or even look in my damn window."
She reluctantly agrees and says she will be right over.
Well after she gets there HE shows up out at the gate. Seems he didn't intend to stay to start with. He did insinuate that I was going to do something. By his shocked reaction to my answer I don't think he likes me. I have no idea why. It wasn't as if I called him a worthless prick. I insinuated it.

So she comes up and within five minutes she falls on me in tears. And she starts grinding.
Oh goody. Here I thought I could go the month without drunken flussies landing on me.
Well me and Mr Happy argue about it mentally. I win by reminding him who she was with last.

Her life has gone to hell. Staggering drunk every night, she got evicted and is living in her truck. Her man, or as I like to call him, Lying,bi-sex thief, or LBT for short doesn't have a job. Wait, wait wait. Before you say it. I don't care if he is Bi-sexual. My closest friend is a gay guy. If anyone messes with him, I'll cut'em.
No my problem with LBT is he lies to DQ-L. And she's dumb enough to believe them, cause she loves him.
ANYWAY

so after I wrestle drunk, unwashed woman off me I point her to the bathroom. She goes in with the fresh clothes I give her. I hear thumping and grunting. I figure she is getting undressed. About 15 minutes later she comes out in the same clothes. WTF? What the hell was all the thumping and banging? Only thing I can figure is she was so drunk she put on the same clothes and put the clean ones in the basket.

So we sit down. Or at least I do.
She stops at the full length mirror and stares. "LBT says I'm getting fat and look like hell."
At this moment my cool took over. I love it when that happens. I casually light a smoke.
"Ok two questions. 1. Do you and he have sex?"
"Yeah, almost every night" she says.
"OK. second question. What the hell are you doing?"
"Nothing hoping if I rub my tummy it will go away. Cause LBT hates it."
I walk over and rub her belly. She giggles and starts crying. I rub off a tear.
"If you you are so bad, then why is he trying to get up on this all the time?"

Well that goes over like, calling Schwarzenegger a fag. She stiffens, pushes me away and runs for the couch.
She screams and crys that she wants a drink. I don't have anything and tell her to get some rest. She wont hear of it. She starts getting insistent and louder. I get worried. If someone hears a woman screaming in my apartment I want it to be for a good thing.
So I agree to take her to a bar and buy 1. a single drink.
I find a close place that I have never been to. She falls on people and generally makes an ass of herself. Yelling at bar-tenders. Crying on her cell phone. finally I have enough and wrestle her to the car.

She spends the next two drunken hours alternatively crying and laughing. We cover it all.
She lost her house cause LBT said he would pay the bills. Buuuttttt... He was high on crack his first day at work and quit. So, when she is broke, he moves back in with his Gay "friend". DQ-L is not allowed to stay because, well shes a Drama-Queen. LBT doesn't care though. He's got a warm place to sleep. She goes to stay with her mom. Being that its Jewish mother, it doesn't take long before the guilt is waist deep. So DQ-L starts drinking and avoiding mom. Pretty soon she cant take it. Moves in with daughter and son-in-law.
Well, they don't like LBT or the drinking. They insist he's out and she gets help, and another job. Which she cant do because shes running behind LBT to the bar every night.
Meanwhile she's living in her truck. He's curled up on a goose down king size next to some guy. (yes, I'm still wondering. Does she have post-its that remind her to breathe?)
When we aren't talking she is text-ing him. I think in 30 minutes she sent him 18 messages.
GAWDDAMN. I would have said, "sweety I love you, really. But if you don't shut up..." Ya know?

The whole time this is going I'm doing a little 'Thank Ya Jesus' dance. If I had hooked up with this crazy broad I would be a basket case. Every time my phone rang Id just break out screaming and crying. "Make it stop. Please mommy, Ill be good. Just make it stop!"
So, somewhere around 1 or so she passes out.

Next morning she is up at six and ready for work. She leaves so fast she forgets stuff.
I go back to my 'Thank Ya Jesus' dance.
Three hours later she calls AGAIN.
seems when she got to work they had some news for her. She's creeping everyone out. she's to be termed on Monday. And she calls me crying and upset.
Now most times, as you can see I'm a good guy.
A veritable white knight.
However.....
I was not in a good mood when this started. I'm about up to here with it. Yeah. Right there.
so I say what comes to mind.
"Sweet heart why are you calling me?"
"Cause you're my friend."
"Yeeessss. Yes I am. and as a friend I say. You been fucking that mother fucker he better take care of you. And if he don't dump his ass. Baby girl you are homeless. He laid up with some fabulous freak. Me? I ain't even seen your naked ass running for the next room. Call your man. I'm out".

I do think shes going to call me anytime soon.
What do you think?

I got an email the other day. It was so stirring that it made me think deeply.
It touched on a subject I never really put too much thought into. I had carried on with my life merrily skirting the subject. Being silently angry when the issue was raised.

"Are YOU ashamed of your penis.?"

I thought about this question and I had to say yes. Oh God yes. He's a terror.
He has become an increasing problem. In the begining it was good relationship. He used to greet me every morning. Standing there silently as I slept, enjoying the morning air.
But after a while things began to take a different turn. Now he just glowers at me in the early hours as I get dressed. Staring at me silently with his one good eye. He he's always drawing attention to himself at inopportune times. I don't know how many times my penis has gotten in the way and ruined a good friendship. A friend and I would be enjoying a quiet conversation and suddenly, he would show up. Standing between us insisting on notice. I tell you its impossible to have a normal conversation with him vying for attention. Its gotten so bad now that I have to lockup the computer. If I don't, he'll just get on the internet and surf porn. Going from one unsavory site to another in search of cheap thrills. And he never listens. "We are just going to walk to the store. So behave", I tell him. But I may as well be talking to my foot. He's always trying to see everything and wanting to say hi to the pretty girls. I even tried beating him. But it doesnt work. An hour later hes back at it again.

I'm at my wit's end with him I tell you. I just don't know what to do with him.

I just saw something that gave me a great idea.
Provided anyone reads this thing.
MOVIES.
I am a real movie nut. I love foreign film.

Just go have a look. My movies
Yes, they are all mine.

Now heres the idea.
Im going to write some of my favorite movies with a line from it.
Tell me your favorite movies. I think 6 should do.

1. "and you better bury Ned right. 'An you better not cut-up nor otherwise harm no whores. Or I'll come back and kill 'ery onea you son's a bitchs" - Unforgiven

2. "...and if this little bitch is pulling something I'm gonna kill her. KILL YOU. does that compute?" - Alien IV; Resurrection

3. "If you Kill me you go to hell too. Shall we continue there then?" - Sky High

4. "You may have killed your wife and daughter. OK, I'll give you that. But it was me who knocked off the three girls. What are you doing stealing my murders? What kind of fucking friend do you think you are? I suppose you thought you were doing me a favor" - Cemetary Man

5. "Why are you crying? We were only play-acting. Why do you take it so seriously?" - In The Mood For Love

6. "Sorry, sometimes my wife forgets that she is not an alien from outer space." - The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra

OK. Now its your turn